My husband is mad at me (again) because of the house. He has reasonable expectations, just wants it all clean once a month. I got it done last Christmas and it hasn't been all done since. This is a chronic ongoing issue for us. I am extremely distractable and I move slow, which means that my work time is not very productive, but all seven of us are very productive at taking things out!
I don't know why I don't keep a nice house. Lots of possible reasons--having mess means that I have a reason to get up in the morning (to clean it), leaving a bit of mess is a request for someone to step in and help me because I want to be rescued. Rebellion: I shouldn't have to perform to earn your approval, you should just love me because I'm me. Perfectionism: it isn't going to be perfect anyway, so why try? Distractable: I forgot I was cleaning the whatever. Mess filter: I don't see the mess, just whatever particular article that has drawn my focus. (I can't tell if my outfits look good either, because all I see is an earring, my hair, my make-up, my shoes one at a time.) There are various amounts of truth to each of those, but at this point in life, I just don't even care about the reasons. I don't see that understanding these reasons has gotten me any closer to a clean house.
They tell me that I'm "performance oriented." I think that is psychobabble for "legalistic." I want to prove that I'm something by my own actions. Unfortunately, all I've proved is that I'm nothing. And this, for some reason, is worse than the end of the world to me. I mean, duh! Of course I'm nothing! Isn't that why the grace of God is so miraculous?
The most productive season of my life (in terms of managing our home) came at a time when things were externally difficult. I was pregnant with number 4. God came to me in the middle of a movie. The image on the screen was just a man hugging a woman (a friend.) And God, in that moment, just revealed his love to me. I went an laid on the floor for I don't know how long. He satisfied my longing to be both the center and to be hidden. He convinced me in a moment that I was to Him, the Bride. The golden one. He revealed me as the adored daughter, swinging in her Father's arms. And he hid me in the folds of his robes, so close that I could twine my fingers in his beard and breathe his scent. I was protected and covered.
From that center of acceptance, running my race was so easy. All those reasons just fell by as irrelevant. For months, I could just do it, walking in peace. But then, my mom came and helped me out when my son was born, and something in that season washed it all away.
But the truth is still there. I wish I could find it again. My husband's anger and my desire to please, and my offense at his coldness trip me up in embracing truth. Yet there is always a way around temptation. Faith is always possible.
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4 comments:
This was such an honest post. You really laid yourself bare. Thank you for your honesty...it's hard to tell the truth about yourself, to others or to yourself! I don't share your struggles about keeping a clean house (although there's always room for improvement), but I struggle with many, many other things that you don't probably struggle with. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but nothing means anything without God. We are nothing without Him, like you said. I love the way you worded how you felt when God revealed how He really saw you. I've had times like that. When you are in the midst of it, you can't understand why you would ever leave...but it happens so quickly that we are "out" of it. The curse of man...
Wow. Sounds like you had an awesome experience with the Lord totally brought on by him and without any leveraging on your part. And the result of knowing God like that was walking out his commands (commands used very loosely) ... not because you exercised power over yourself, but because he exercised power over you. It seems as though you became satisfied by him and not your performance. And because of that your performance increased. weird.
Yeah, Mike, just like I'm always complaining about in the charismatic movement--an experience brought faith which made restful action natural. Perverse, huh. I guess the difference was that the experience was unsought. (But I should say that there have been other sought experiences with similar power.) The thing is that it didn't last, you know? I was convinced by the experience, but it wasn't solid enough to stay. God just gave it to me in his mercy and power, a gift and reprieve. I guess my question is, at this point, is the experience a necessary part of walking in faith, or can I just believe and rest without God deciding to knock my socks off?
I just think the pursuit of God can't be about "doing the right thing." So many people 'pursue God' (go to church, etc.) because they feel guilty. They pursue God so they can change. But I believe God wants us to pursue him cause we desire Him. And desire to be satisfied by Him, not the success or failure of our moments and days. He wants us to desire Him, but more often then not its not about Him its about us feeling better about ourselves. Its about wanting to be righteous by our works, not by His work in us. I want to follow the Spirit's leading in every area in my life and let that be enough. I'm praying that this becomes true in me. To be satisfied in him.
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