Confessions of an Underachiever

Whew, time for wind down. I haven't been writing on here, because my brain hasn't been able to form complete thoughts for two weeks. I've tried to cook a frozen roast in less than hour, put my contacts in the wrong eyes twice, and generally been stumbling around trying to keep all the balls in the air. We attended two or three Thanksgiving feasts with the accompanying bring alongs of both food and folks, I started and finished my Christmas shopping (small budget abbreviated that), went to the last homeschool coop day (taught computer programming, paper art and Bird Biology to various ages) and the evening performance that goes with it, spent time with my visiting sister, I pulled off a surprise party for two of my kids, and got my lego robotics team pulled together for their local competition, and survived it all. (They won, by the way, so it's on to State.) I kept the house together through all that with food on the table and clean clothes in the drawers, and now I feel like that balloon that you let go and it flies all over the room until it lands, spent.

I am realizing that HERE is where I lose it: all my many activities have played out, I have the mess of all of it left here, and I'm exhausted and feeling entitled to a break. But living with junk in my way and unable to find things isn't a break. I had the energy to do all that, I can put away five boxes of stuff that is pulled out, spend 40 minutes finishing Christmas decorations. I don't want another marathon over Christmas. But I'm hosting a gathering or two--I love hosting. But that should be easier than hauling a car load of supplies, right?

The other thing that is laying on the floor of my heart is the dissatisfaction of none of that ever being enough--the party wasn't exactly what my kids were hoping, the Christmas gifts aren't the best ever, we won the tournament but in a scrambled and sideways fashion, I kept the house together but screamed at the kids. My husband is glad the house is clean, but it doesn't make his life all better. I am glad I took at stab at those things, and I tried to manage them all the best I could, but it really isn't enough. I am in dreadful need of Grace. All that stuff is fun, but it isn't the heart. We--I--need to have the inner space to think, to connect, to listen and perceive.

Seems like I need balance. It is good for me, good for my children, to have the experiences that only come when you go out and try to do things in the world--make robots, compete, have parties, take classes, etc. But we also need the quiet to reflect, process, refill. These last few weeks have just been too, too much for me. I need to look ahead better next time so that my season doesn't fill with so much. And I need to take my rest in sips not gulps now.