Provoking

Well, I have done it again. I took some of the kids and went to church. I really want to sing to God and pray for others and do the stuff you can't do alone. I want more perspectives in my life than just my own. But it causes a whirl wind of strife here.

I like this church because the pastor is mostly just reading scripture with a little commentary--hard to go too far wrong with that. The worship is pleasant--a mix of mostly choruses with a few hymns, staying mostly to lyrics with some depth and away from the chanting/god is my boyfriend tripe that sounds like it was created by a random religious gobbledegook generator. The people are nice, laid back, and have a long history of commitment to each other.

After church, we loaded up into the car, and the kids started in: "Mom, a kid in Sunday School said we read the bible to go to heaven. Why did he say that? I thought only Jesus has been to heaven? You don't get saved by reading the Bible! You have to have faith in Christ!" I explained that while heaven may be a misnomer, what they mean is that the Bible does tell about God's plan to bring us to him, and how in the end heaven and earth will be made one. In my head, I wonder if I am being entirely honest when I say that our hope of resurrection is the same thing as their hope of heaven. Is it?

At home, the drama continues as my husband picks up the slip they were given in Sunday School. It says, "Write down a verse that will improve your relationship with God." He goes on to have a fit about the kids being encouraged to doubt the security of their connection to the Father, and complain about the suggestion that they have the power to affect it. I grind my teeth and ask, "Don't you think believing more deeply in that truth would improve your end of that relationship? Sure, we are connected to God by his action and power not our own, but can't we better enjoy that by deepening our faith?"

We got to go to a potluck with the same church folks in the afternoon. It was pleasant. I hate starting over with yet more acquaintances. I don't need to meet more people, really, do I? I feel like I know everyone in town, and yet I am isolated.

The day ended with my six year old making the pastor's kid cry by telling him he isn't a Christian because he wouldn't share his toys.

I want some stinking common ground! Can we agree that the law will kill us? Can we set our goal as faith in the grace of God? Does anyone have a vision that God will call me to? I want a wheel that I can put my shoulder too, together with my brethren!

But no. Clean the house. Teach the kids. Feed the animals. Pull the weeds. Is community just us and our kids and our acquaintances? I don't want to teach my kids that all the other believers on earth are crazy. I want them to have a chance to feel they are part of something larger.