I had the most beautiful Christmas. There were enough (but not too many) gifts, my loved ones were around me, the food was yummy, the fun was fun, and IT SNOWED!!! The kids let us sleep in until 7:30am, and it was all just inexpressibly good, scrumptious.
But the best gift I received this year was Christmas itself. I've had an outlook that really didn't "get" Christmas. It's my understanding that Jesus wasn't really born around December 25, but that we celebrate it at that time because some invaded pagan country already had a holiday then so it got glued there. God never said to celebrate Christmas with or without a tree or gifts or anything--he did set up holidays and a feast system, but we ignore those. Jesus offers us a desperately needed gift of eternal life, at great cost. The gifts we exchange are not much needed or worth much. I like singing songs, being with friends and family, giving gifts and eating yummy food but I didn't really see what the celebration had to do with my relationship with God.
Christmas is different for me this year. We watched The Nativity Story on Christmas eve or so, and I am changed. I was so caught up in the drama of their lives--oppressed, desperate for the Messiah to come and do something about it. And what does God do? Make a girl's life even more miserable? And yet blessed. He lays a huge burden on her, and then blesses her with the understanding of Elizabeth, and then Joseph. What a huge comfort it must have been for Mary to have people who knew the truth about the child she carried.
I was outraged that God would ask Mary and Joseph to go through that. It's more than a person should have to bear. I feel that he may ask me to live beyond what I can bear also. Then I realized what it cost God, and how needed it was. The tiny, vulnerable, poor baby, susciptible to cold, disease, violence, neglect. Bereft of the gift of speech, the mind of a child. Which of my kids would willingly wind their ages back, and quit their privileges and abilities--to be un-potty trained, to be dressed by another, etc. And yet God, the creator--the one that made the world--laid down his power and abilities to be this tiny baby, at the bottom of the social scale. Why? Because the situation was desperate. He put it off as long as he could, and he slipped in the Answer in the most painfree way he could, but when there is a huge problem, the Answer is disruptive.
The incarnation is Huge. It's tender, and miraculous, the advent of our hope. Who can fathom God? When his people cry out for a military leader to throw off the invaders, he gives a sin sacrifice to deal with their sins--and allows them to be scattered, Jerusalem smashed. And yet he made a way to be IN us that we may never be alone, and draws us together to endure what must be for the death and rebirth of creation.
Anyway, when Mary held out that little baby to show hope to both the shepherds and the kings, I realized what a treasure she held, what we received so silently that night--it wasn't on the news, most people had no idea nor cared what was going on. God is good. I will keep Christmas in memory of the incarnation. It slays me, cuts me to the quick, to have such a terrible and tender Father. If I get to celebrate another Christmas, I will remember what it cost, and what it's worth.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Confessions of an Underachiever
Whew, time for wind down. I haven't been writing on here, because my brain hasn't been able to form complete thoughts for two weeks. I've tried to cook a frozen roast in less than hour, put my contacts in the wrong eyes twice, and generally been stumbling around trying to keep all the balls in the air. We attended two or three Thanksgiving feasts with the accompanying bring alongs of both food and folks, I started and finished my Christmas shopping (small budget abbreviated that), went to the last homeschool coop day (taught computer programming, paper art and Bird Biology to various ages) and the evening performance that goes with it, spent time with my visiting sister, I pulled off a surprise party for two of my kids, and got my lego robotics team pulled together for their local competition, and survived it all. (They won, by the way, so it's on to State.) I kept the house together through all that with food on the table and clean clothes in the drawers, and now I feel like that balloon that you let go and it flies all over the room until it lands, spent.
I am realizing that HERE is where I lose it: all my many activities have played out, I have the mess of all of it left here, and I'm exhausted and feeling entitled to a break. But living with junk in my way and unable to find things isn't a break. I had the energy to do all that, I can put away five boxes of stuff that is pulled out, spend 40 minutes finishing Christmas decorations. I don't want another marathon over Christmas. But I'm hosting a gathering or two--I love hosting. But that should be easier than hauling a car load of supplies, right?
The other thing that is laying on the floor of my heart is the dissatisfaction of none of that ever being enough--the party wasn't exactly what my kids were hoping, the Christmas gifts aren't the best ever, we won the tournament but in a scrambled and sideways fashion, I kept the house together but screamed at the kids. My husband is glad the house is clean, but it doesn't make his life all better. I am glad I took at stab at those things, and I tried to manage them all the best I could, but it really isn't enough. I am in dreadful need of Grace. All that stuff is fun, but it isn't the heart. We--I--need to have the inner space to think, to connect, to listen and perceive.
Seems like I need balance. It is good for me, good for my children, to have the experiences that only come when you go out and try to do things in the world--make robots, compete, have parties, take classes, etc. But we also need the quiet to reflect, process, refill. These last few weeks have just been too, too much for me. I need to look ahead better next time so that my season doesn't fill with so much. And I need to take my rest in sips not gulps now.
I am realizing that HERE is where I lose it: all my many activities have played out, I have the mess of all of it left here, and I'm exhausted and feeling entitled to a break. But living with junk in my way and unable to find things isn't a break. I had the energy to do all that, I can put away five boxes of stuff that is pulled out, spend 40 minutes finishing Christmas decorations. I don't want another marathon over Christmas. But I'm hosting a gathering or two--I love hosting. But that should be easier than hauling a car load of supplies, right?
The other thing that is laying on the floor of my heart is the dissatisfaction of none of that ever being enough--the party wasn't exactly what my kids were hoping, the Christmas gifts aren't the best ever, we won the tournament but in a scrambled and sideways fashion, I kept the house together but screamed at the kids. My husband is glad the house is clean, but it doesn't make his life all better. I am glad I took at stab at those things, and I tried to manage them all the best I could, but it really isn't enough. I am in dreadful need of Grace. All that stuff is fun, but it isn't the heart. We--I--need to have the inner space to think, to connect, to listen and perceive.
Seems like I need balance. It is good for me, good for my children, to have the experiences that only come when you go out and try to do things in the world--make robots, compete, have parties, take classes, etc. But we also need the quiet to reflect, process, refill. These last few weeks have just been too, too much for me. I need to look ahead better next time so that my season doesn't fill with so much. And I need to take my rest in sips not gulps now.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Carrots
Rev 2:7 To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.
Persevere in the faith of the first love, and you will have eternal life.
Rev 2:11 He who overcomes will not be hurt at all by the second death.
Keep hold of the faith that keeps trusting God when suffering comes, and death itself will have no sting for you.
Rev 2:17 To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.
Persist in refusing to go with the crowd, and you will be sustained and owned by your Father.
Rev 2:26 To him who overcomes and does my will to the end, I will give authority over the nations-
Resist corrupt leadership's pull toward corruption and stand steadfast and you will be leaders in the coming age.
Rev 3:4-5. 5 He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels.
Keep on walking in a more and more holy fashion and you will live and be accepted.
Rev 3:122 Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name.
Keep on claiming Christ as your Saviour, and even though you're weak, I will protect you, own you, and give you a permanent home.
Rev 3:211 To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne.
Continue in the good works that I've laid out for you, and you will sit down at last to rest in a place of honor.
Rev 21:7-8He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.
A shining new earth with a glorious ruler will be the reward of those who stay the course to the end.
Persevere in the faith of the first love, and you will have eternal life.
Rev 2:11 He who overcomes will not be hurt at all by the second death.
Keep hold of the faith that keeps trusting God when suffering comes, and death itself will have no sting for you.
Rev 2:17 To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.
Persist in refusing to go with the crowd, and you will be sustained and owned by your Father.
Rev 2:26 To him who overcomes and does my will to the end, I will give authority over the nations-
Resist corrupt leadership's pull toward corruption and stand steadfast and you will be leaders in the coming age.
Rev 3:4-5. 5 He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels.
Keep on walking in a more and more holy fashion and you will live and be accepted.
Rev 3:122 Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name.
Keep on claiming Christ as your Saviour, and even though you're weak, I will protect you, own you, and give you a permanent home.
Rev 3:211 To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne.
Continue in the good works that I've laid out for you, and you will sit down at last to rest in a place of honor.
Rev 21:7-8He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.
A shining new earth with a glorious ruler will be the reward of those who stay the course to the end.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Repentence Illustrated (ouch)
I quoted this verse a while ago:
Rev 3:17-227 You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.
I was talking about the pit of self-sufficiency and this call to dependence on God. I am revisiting it tonight.
I was feeling empty and raw after preparing for Thanksgiving, celebrating it with happy feasts with loved ones, and today shopping all day for Christmas, leaving my dear family and friends at home. I realized after a while that this verse (from Isa 55) was rolling around in my head:
Why spend money on what is not bread,and your labor on what does not satisfy? Indeed, it is mighty hard to avoid the temptation to spend my strength on things that don't satisfy right now. Well, okay, always! I looked it up to see the context and found the rest:
Isa 55:1-3"Come, all you who are thirsty,come to the waters;and you who have no money,come, buy and eat!Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. 2 Why spend money on what is not bread,and your labor on what does not satisfy?Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. 3 Give ear and come to me;hear me, that your soul may live.I will make an everlasting covenant with you,my faithful love promised to David.
Cross referencing that with the Revelation verse, I was just slammed with another layer.
Jesus is the gold that was refined by fire. We can "buy" him (though we are poor) by spending ourselves, yielding our will for his much more satisfying way, a way full of worth, hope. No, it isn't for a way. It's Him. We get Him, the treasure. And as we submit to the Spirit inside us, we see what we have and benefit from it, our soul is satisfied. When I chase tasty food, idealized family expectations, the perfect gift, all that--it doesn't satisfy. Those are nice things, but if I spend my "money" (strength, attention, devotion, time, value) on them, I will be empty.
I say, "I am rich and don't need a thing." I do. You've heard me--lamenting how wonderful my life is and how I am afraid of losing it. Pah! I spend 98% of my time sinning (and I'm probably being arrogant to say that!) No, I don't mean that I'm breaking the 10 commandments, I mean that I am not acting as if I believe the truth: God is good, I'm okay, He's with me and sees, He'll reward obedience and discipline disobedience, my children are His, etc. Most the time I don't act like all those things are true.
I am rich and don't need a thing? I just spent a half hour with a sobbing child who can't stand that people kill animals to eat them. And it is horrible. I'm not an animal rights activist, I'm a farmer--and I'm telling you, it's horrible to kill things. They don't like to die, and it is unpleasant, no way around it--blood, flesh, fur, mess, smell. Will I eat meat? Yes. And use animal products. But I don't think this will be the way when the King is on His throne. He has been generous with us to allow this use of His creation, but eating meat is a part of the fall. I'm rich and don't need a thing? I live in a ruined world, with a ruined soul.
Someone did something to affront me yesterday. I wasn't really offended, but I exposed their faux pas to two others that I knew would judge that person. I did it so I could enjoy the glory of being wronged but overlooking it. "I am rich and don't need a thing?" Mercy, I need mercy. I am poor, and blind, and uncovered and I don't even know I'm pitiful and wretched. Lord, let me lay down my foolish ways and drink of you. You are my only bread, my only satisfaction, I believe you that as I submit my moments to you that I will delight in the richest of fare: Your very Self. Help my unbelief.
Rev 3:17-227 You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.
I was talking about the pit of self-sufficiency and this call to dependence on God. I am revisiting it tonight.
I was feeling empty and raw after preparing for Thanksgiving, celebrating it with happy feasts with loved ones, and today shopping all day for Christmas, leaving my dear family and friends at home. I realized after a while that this verse (from Isa 55) was rolling around in my head:
Why spend money on what is not bread,and your labor on what does not satisfy? Indeed, it is mighty hard to avoid the temptation to spend my strength on things that don't satisfy right now. Well, okay, always! I looked it up to see the context and found the rest:
Isa 55:1-3"Come, all you who are thirsty,come to the waters;and you who have no money,come, buy and eat!Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. 2 Why spend money on what is not bread,and your labor on what does not satisfy?Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. 3 Give ear and come to me;hear me, that your soul may live.I will make an everlasting covenant with you,my faithful love promised to David.
Cross referencing that with the Revelation verse, I was just slammed with another layer.
Jesus is the gold that was refined by fire. We can "buy" him (though we are poor) by spending ourselves, yielding our will for his much more satisfying way, a way full of worth, hope. No, it isn't for a way. It's Him. We get Him, the treasure. And as we submit to the Spirit inside us, we see what we have and benefit from it, our soul is satisfied. When I chase tasty food, idealized family expectations, the perfect gift, all that--it doesn't satisfy. Those are nice things, but if I spend my "money" (strength, attention, devotion, time, value) on them, I will be empty.
I say, "I am rich and don't need a thing." I do. You've heard me--lamenting how wonderful my life is and how I am afraid of losing it. Pah! I spend 98% of my time sinning (and I'm probably being arrogant to say that!) No, I don't mean that I'm breaking the 10 commandments, I mean that I am not acting as if I believe the truth: God is good, I'm okay, He's with me and sees, He'll reward obedience and discipline disobedience, my children are His, etc. Most the time I don't act like all those things are true.
I am rich and don't need a thing? I just spent a half hour with a sobbing child who can't stand that people kill animals to eat them. And it is horrible. I'm not an animal rights activist, I'm a farmer--and I'm telling you, it's horrible to kill things. They don't like to die, and it is unpleasant, no way around it--blood, flesh, fur, mess, smell. Will I eat meat? Yes. And use animal products. But I don't think this will be the way when the King is on His throne. He has been generous with us to allow this use of His creation, but eating meat is a part of the fall. I'm rich and don't need a thing? I live in a ruined world, with a ruined soul.
Someone did something to affront me yesterday. I wasn't really offended, but I exposed their faux pas to two others that I knew would judge that person. I did it so I could enjoy the glory of being wronged but overlooking it. "I am rich and don't need a thing?" Mercy, I need mercy. I am poor, and blind, and uncovered and I don't even know I'm pitiful and wretched. Lord, let me lay down my foolish ways and drink of you. You are my only bread, my only satisfaction, I believe you that as I submit my moments to you that I will delight in the richest of fare: Your very Self. Help my unbelief.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Update on the Dirt Battle
I am sure many of you are wondering how I'm doing on cleaning my house. Well, both of you. Except, you, Kevin, since you've been here lately, so you know where I'm at with this already. But I digress...
I am still chipping away at my house. For about a month now, I've been more or less doing what my schedule says that I'm supposed to be doing. I've hauled a number of boxes away to goodwill and the burn pile. Each room is roughed out--it can be vacuumed, and at least the dirtiest parts have been wiped down. I had no idea how dirty my house was. I've painted our master bathroom--it had never been painted in 10 years, and had smudges not only from five years of our family, but also three other renting families before us...ew! So that's WAY better, although it took me several days to adjust to the color. Our bedroom is in bad need of paint also, but I want to paint the trim around the house first. It's really bad.
To my perception, it is still really embarassing. I don't have a hope of making it all spiffy. BUT, several things are really nice: I can have company whenever I want, and the house is pretty close to as good as it can be for now. When the day's chores are done, they are done: we can play, and I don't have to feel like I should run for cover when my hubby's truck pulls in, no matter what nonsense I'm engaged in. And things just go smoother like this. If someone gets sick, they have a clean toilet to barf in. If you need a piece of paper or pencil, it doesn't take a half hour to find one. My cell phone has a place that it belongs, and on a good day, I can answer it when it rings instead of going on a frantic hunt. When I get up, I can make breakfast because there are no dishes in my way. I've arranged storage in each of the bedrooms for the items they contain. It isn't necessarily perfect storage--metal office shelves in the little kids' room, stacked wooden boxes making closet shelves in another--but things aren't in heaps so much, things can be put away. It's getting more practical every day.
I am tired. I got fed up this week and wondered if normal people spend this much time cleaning. According to the internet, yep, they do--and normal people don't have such helpful children as I do, either. I can't complain. It's a very good life, even with scrubbing floors. And getting my chores done makes me free to give, which is a great pleasure.
I am still chipping away at my house. For about a month now, I've been more or less doing what my schedule says that I'm supposed to be doing. I've hauled a number of boxes away to goodwill and the burn pile. Each room is roughed out--it can be vacuumed, and at least the dirtiest parts have been wiped down. I had no idea how dirty my house was. I've painted our master bathroom--it had never been painted in 10 years, and had smudges not only from five years of our family, but also three other renting families before us...ew! So that's WAY better, although it took me several days to adjust to the color. Our bedroom is in bad need of paint also, but I want to paint the trim around the house first. It's really bad.
To my perception, it is still really embarassing. I don't have a hope of making it all spiffy. BUT, several things are really nice: I can have company whenever I want, and the house is pretty close to as good as it can be for now. When the day's chores are done, they are done: we can play, and I don't have to feel like I should run for cover when my hubby's truck pulls in, no matter what nonsense I'm engaged in. And things just go smoother like this. If someone gets sick, they have a clean toilet to barf in. If you need a piece of paper or pencil, it doesn't take a half hour to find one. My cell phone has a place that it belongs, and on a good day, I can answer it when it rings instead of going on a frantic hunt. When I get up, I can make breakfast because there are no dishes in my way. I've arranged storage in each of the bedrooms for the items they contain. It isn't necessarily perfect storage--metal office shelves in the little kids' room, stacked wooden boxes making closet shelves in another--but things aren't in heaps so much, things can be put away. It's getting more practical every day.
I am tired. I got fed up this week and wondered if normal people spend this much time cleaning. According to the internet, yep, they do--and normal people don't have such helpful children as I do, either. I can't complain. It's a very good life, even with scrubbing floors. And getting my chores done makes me free to give, which is a great pleasure.
The Repulsive Christ
One thing that really strikes me in reading through the gospels with the kids is that Jesus worked hard to put people off. Anytime the crowds are too overwhelmingly supportive, and begin to border on crowning him their king, he says things like "Eat my flesh" and "Hate your mother and Father" and "take up your cross" (which was a humilating and abasing way that only the lowest were executed), "liquidate your wealth and donate it." He makes it *hard* for people to come to him.
We just read the section in Luke where Jesus is telling them to count the cost of being a disciple, and telling them it will cost them everything.
The first thing that hits me in reading these things is how unlike today's church ministries was Christ's ministry. We lower the bar, using immoral TV shows to illustrate points, video games and coffee bars to make people feel at home, slick music videos and all manner of ways to make people comfortable, make church cool, make the message clear and attractive. Jesus made the message hard to understand and offensive--on purpose. He taught in riddles. He told people that unless they were willing to do the hardest things, then don't bother coming. He didn't just give recommendations on how to be successful, but told them to be "Perfect." He also called religious people names like hypocrit and snake, and other things that would certainly be called divisive and critical.
Am I saying that it is wrong to use media and seeker-friendly means to bring people to Christ? Am I saying we should be more like Jesus by being inflamatory and obtuse? No, not really. But I think, as we make those decisions, we do have to ask ourselves why Jesus didn't do everything he could to collect the largest number of followers he could. And perhaps there is something in that motive that we could learn from. God is not a God that does everything possible to pave a road for people to come to him. He made a way, but it is not a highway. He loves us, but he isn't easy.
The other thing that really squeezes my heart is the demand for total allegiance, and unshakeable commitment. There were days when I could make declarations about how fully committed I am and how permanent my faith was. But now, I find my heart weak, and my faith flimsy. I can teach my children how worthy the Lord is and how good our hope is, but that doesn't mean that my own heart never waivers. I get tripped up in looking to the future. I feel full of the grace of God today, when the only death in my life is having to get off the computer and make lunch. But what about when I need more sustenance than that? Can God still raise the dead? What a silly nail-biter I am. I'm glad that God gives me the daily manna I need, and I know from past days of suffering that he gives a double portion of his presence in those times. May I walk fearlessly.
We just read the section in Luke where Jesus is telling them to count the cost of being a disciple, and telling them it will cost them everything.
The first thing that hits me in reading these things is how unlike today's church ministries was Christ's ministry. We lower the bar, using immoral TV shows to illustrate points, video games and coffee bars to make people feel at home, slick music videos and all manner of ways to make people comfortable, make church cool, make the message clear and attractive. Jesus made the message hard to understand and offensive--on purpose. He taught in riddles. He told people that unless they were willing to do the hardest things, then don't bother coming. He didn't just give recommendations on how to be successful, but told them to be "Perfect." He also called religious people names like hypocrit and snake, and other things that would certainly be called divisive and critical.
Am I saying that it is wrong to use media and seeker-friendly means to bring people to Christ? Am I saying we should be more like Jesus by being inflamatory and obtuse? No, not really. But I think, as we make those decisions, we do have to ask ourselves why Jesus didn't do everything he could to collect the largest number of followers he could. And perhaps there is something in that motive that we could learn from. God is not a God that does everything possible to pave a road for people to come to him. He made a way, but it is not a highway. He loves us, but he isn't easy.
The other thing that really squeezes my heart is the demand for total allegiance, and unshakeable commitment. There were days when I could make declarations about how fully committed I am and how permanent my faith was. But now, I find my heart weak, and my faith flimsy. I can teach my children how worthy the Lord is and how good our hope is, but that doesn't mean that my own heart never waivers. I get tripped up in looking to the future. I feel full of the grace of God today, when the only death in my life is having to get off the computer and make lunch. But what about when I need more sustenance than that? Can God still raise the dead? What a silly nail-biter I am. I'm glad that God gives me the daily manna I need, and I know from past days of suffering that he gives a double portion of his presence in those times. May I walk fearlessly.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Never Trust Anyone...
until you know what they struggle with. Because everybody struggles with something, and if you can't see it on the surface, you can be sure it's lurking under there somewhere. Best you know if it is molesting children or obsessively cleaning their house.
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