Repentence Illustrated (ouch)

I quoted this verse a while ago:
Rev 3:17-227 You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

I was talking about the pit of self-sufficiency and this call to dependence on God. I am revisiting it tonight.

I was feeling empty and raw after preparing for Thanksgiving, celebrating it with happy feasts with loved ones, and today shopping all day for Christmas, leaving my dear family and friends at home. I realized after a while that this verse (from Isa 55) was rolling around in my head:
Why spend money on what is not bread,and your labor on what does not satisfy? Indeed, it is mighty hard to avoid the temptation to spend my strength on things that don't satisfy right now. Well, okay, always! I looked it up to see the context and found the rest:

Isa 55:1-3"Come, all you who are thirsty,come to the waters;and you who have no money,come, buy and eat!Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. 2 Why spend money on what is not bread,and your labor on what does not satisfy?Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. 3 Give ear and come to me;hear me, that your soul may live.I will make an everlasting covenant with you,my faithful love promised to David.

Cross referencing that with the Revelation verse, I was just slammed with another layer.

Jesus is the gold that was refined by fire. We can "buy" him (though we are poor) by spending ourselves, yielding our will for his much more satisfying way, a way full of worth, hope. No, it isn't for a way. It's Him. We get Him, the treasure. And as we submit to the Spirit inside us, we see what we have and benefit from it, our soul is satisfied. When I chase tasty food, idealized family expectations, the perfect gift, all that--it doesn't satisfy. Those are nice things, but if I spend my "money" (strength, attention, devotion, time, value) on them, I will be empty.

I say, "I am rich and don't need a thing." I do. You've heard me--lamenting how wonderful my life is and how I am afraid of losing it. Pah! I spend 98% of my time sinning (and I'm probably being arrogant to say that!) No, I don't mean that I'm breaking the 10 commandments, I mean that I am not acting as if I believe the truth: God is good, I'm okay, He's with me and sees, He'll reward obedience and discipline disobedience, my children are His, etc. Most the time I don't act like all those things are true.

I am rich and don't need a thing? I just spent a half hour with a sobbing child who can't stand that people kill animals to eat them. And it is horrible. I'm not an animal rights activist, I'm a farmer--and I'm telling you, it's horrible to kill things. They don't like to die, and it is unpleasant, no way around it--blood, flesh, fur, mess, smell. Will I eat meat? Yes. And use animal products. But I don't think this will be the way when the King is on His throne. He has been generous with us to allow this use of His creation, but eating meat is a part of the fall. I'm rich and don't need a thing? I live in a ruined world, with a ruined soul.

Someone did something to affront me yesterday. I wasn't really offended, but I exposed their faux pas to two others that I knew would judge that person. I did it so I could enjoy the glory of being wronged but overlooking it. "I am rich and don't need a thing?" Mercy, I need mercy. I am poor, and blind, and uncovered and I don't even know I'm pitiful and wretched. Lord, let me lay down my foolish ways and drink of you. You are my only bread, my only satisfaction, I believe you that as I submit my moments to you that I will delight in the richest of fare: Your very Self. Help my unbelief.